I’ve been really resisting my writing lately. When that happens, it’s usually a sign I’ve made the process too hard - harder than it needs to be - probably by creating too many rules or expectations for myself, instead of just letting it happen. I’ve been using motherhood as an excuse. I’ve been saying I’m too tired, too overwhelmed, too busy. ‘Excuse’ is definitely the right word. I’ve been using other excuses too: I don’t know what to write about, the writing isn’t any good, I’m just not … [Read more...] about For when you are resisting writing
I love that line from the Tori Amos song: Sometimes I hear my voice and it's been here, silent all these years. That's how I feel about my own voice. It's been here, but for most of my life it was silent. Or rather, it was screaming at me for attention inside, but I never listened, so I never shared it, and mostly remained 'silent' in my life. How do I know? Because for the longest time I felt a deep aching down in my soul - one I tried to fix with shopping, or food, or men, or booze, or … [Read more...] about Use your voice, share your story
Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people inside one body. It's like my soul is divided in two, each yearning for a life opposite from the other. This can make things interesting, but mostly it's frustrating. My greatest love, the center of my universe and the most important thing to me now and forever is my family. That will never change. But then, I have this secret lover, this one I can't be with. I think about 'him' in stolen moments, I long for his warm embrace, when my mind … [Read more...] about On motherhood, home and travel
I am living in the in-between. It feels like I am always in limbo, never quite arriving. Like this isn't my 'real life' - it hasn't started yet. I'm just going through the motions until it does. I bet a lot of mothers with small children feel this way. I'm so sleep-deprived that I find it hard to make each day count. I always have the best intentions, but when I wake I simply whisper to myself, not today. I find myself always looking forward: when B sleeps through the night, then … [Read more...] about On living in the in-between
I was recently reflecting in my journal about how motherhood has given me a real sense of purpose and certainty in my life. I wrote: I have never in my life felt such a feeling, such love for someone, such certainty about their presence in my life. This is true - of all the things in my life, the one thing I know for absolute 100% certain is that I will always be a mother to this little boy. I thought about how I didn't have this sense of purpose and certainty in my life before motherhood - … [Read more...] about Are motherhood and creativity one and the same?
Anais Nin famously said: And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. I love this quote, so much. It is only recently that I have come to realise that it is too painful for me to remain tight in a bud - I am now taking the risk to blossom. I think this quote means that we stay in our comfort zones, we deny our true feelings and we try to protect ourselves. Since starting a regular journaling routine, I have … [Read more...] about The risk to blossom