The guilt is piling on thick today.
Any mother, especially a working mother, knows what I’m talking about.
It seems this tiny human being I made is hell-bent on ruining my life. Or at least it feels that way.
And doesn’t that sound just awful? This healthy, thriving, mostly-happy little boy has done nothing wrong, and yet I want to blame him for feeling crappy. I want to complain about my life.
I’ve used my two dedicated work days this week – time when I have a babysitter so I can focus on my business – to sleep.
When people ask me how I am, I usually respond ‘good’ – and half the time I want to say ‘I’m so over this’ or ‘I really need a break’. My poor fiance hears this more often than he should.
As I’m groping in the fridge for the milk to make coffee after being up since 4.30 this morning, a small voice inside me says, ‘I can’t do this anymore’. And then, louder, it says, ‘I’m failing’.
That takes me by surprise. I might struggle, and question if I’m doing it right, but I usually don’t – in fact, never – think of myself as failing.
But today that feeling is there, and it’s palpable.
I’m failing as a mother because I keep getting angry at this poor wee boy who is unhappy lately because, I think, he’s teething. He is struggling and doesn’t have the words to tell me so he just groans and cries and I, somehow, seem to have lost my compassion and just wish he would stop and what is wrong with him and why is he making this so difficult for me?
And I’m failing in my business because I’ve used my work time to sleep and I haven’t created the course content I wanted to create this week – actually, I haven’t created anything for a while – and how will I make enough money like this? Oh and I suck at marketing, too.
Oh, oh dear.
The two things that really mean the world to me and I feel like I’m failing at both.
And then later today, Baxter seems to be feeling better. He has a bath and laughs and splashes, and I watch him sleep peacefully, happily, and I’m overcome with love and compassion, and a little bit of that seems to be for myself, as a new mama trying to figure it all out, too.
And while he naps I write my thoughts out into a blog post because one of my new business values going forward is truth – to openly share my truth – and I feel better at having created something, no matter how small.
And I remember how changeable this all is. It can feel so overwhelming; so all-consuming and never-ending, but then it doesn’t take long for things to shift, and I’m feeling grateful again.
And I realise I can’t be failing because I’m doing it. I’m raising a little boy, every day. I’m making mistakes but I’m learning, and I’m trying, every day. And the exact same can be said for my business.
When did I become so hard on myself?